Southern Fried Jigen
by Nani Lupin
Summary: Jigen must come to grips with his past and defend his family's honor, which as everyone knows involves chicken, whiskey and drawling. Complete
1. Down to the South

Looking back on it all, the past few weeks had actually been enjoyable. Normally when Lupin attempted to take a vacation, Zenigata would cut the trip short. This was partly because Lupin almost always took working vacations, and it wasn't hard for Zenigata to guess where Lupin would show up next. Even when Lupin tried to lay low for awhile and enjoy his spoils, years of the chase had given Zenigata a good understanding of Lupin's mind, and so he usually guessed where Lupin would enjoy partying most at any given time. Zenigata also possessed the dumbest luck in the entire world combined with a paranoia that rivaled most insane asylum inmates.

So when Lupin wanted to take a _real _vacation, one with an almost zero chance of ever running into his perpetual shadow, he let Jigen or Goemon choose the vacation spot. While Zenigata might know his partners in crime, he didn't understand how they thought as well as he understood Lupin.  
>Jigen's choice had been the winner between the two this time around. Jigen had wanted to tour Gettysburg, which didn't really appeal to Lupin it seemed better than finding a quiet place in the country and meditating on his existence. Again.<p>

Another plus of Gettysburg was that it was near enough big cities that Lupin could find many fine restaurants, casinos and girls to fill his time. All the while Jigen would be out tramping around on the battlefields, unable to whine about how Lupin was wasting his money on stupid things. Goemon usually did not comment on his actions. If he did he was easier to ignore than Jigen.  
>So, Lupin was having himself a very enjoyable time until he noticed that Jigen was not acting quite like himself. At first he thought that maybe he was sick, or just tired after walking in hot fields listening to history lectures from old men. Lupin personally couldn't think of anything more boring or soul draining. But as the days wore on, he knew it was more serious than just a night on the town could fix. They need to talk.<p>

"Jigen? I want to have a word with you."  
>"A word?"<br>"Yes. You've been acting weird," Lupin started. "I don't know what's wrong, but I'm worried about you."  
>"Worried?"<br>"You've been acting weird for the past two weeks! You barely eat your food when you decide to come home; you seem more listless than usual. If I didn't know better I'd say you were lovesick over some girl."  
>"Girl?"<br>"…Is it a man?"  
>"…Is?"<br>Lupin finally exploded. "Jigen! Haven't you been listening at all? Are you deaf? What is wrong with you? Isn't repeating my every word in the TV specials enough?"  
>Jigen sighed. "Sorry, Lupin. The truth is…I just realized I'm getting old."<br>Lupin stared in disbelief. "THAT is your problem? You found a few gray hairs in your beard and you're getting all bent out of shape? Seriously. Find a girl and have a good time with her. I know you think that's stupid, but that should prove you've still got some life in you."  
>Goemon piped up from his usual spot on the couch. "He thinks it's stupid because that is not who he is. He does not measure himself by his conquests. Jigen should find a goal important to himself accomplish that." With that Goemon reverted to looking like a man unconcerned with the world, when really he was just waiting the mail to come to see if he finally won Random House Sweepstakes.<p>

Lupin looked upon Goemon with pity. "My way's easier, and much more fun."  
>"You are a depraved monkey man."<br>"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way!"  
>"Jessica Rabbit did that first and better."<br>Jigen decided to quickly step in.  
>"Lupin, he's right. Something's been bothering me for a while now, but I can't take care of it by myself. I need your and Goemon's help."<br>Jigen never asked for help, it must be an important task for him to ask.  
>"Sure," Lupin replied, mentally thinking of how much he would enjoy teasing Jigen later over whatever problems he had. Unless of course it was a depressing type of problem that one couldn't joke about. Then the trip might be a total waste.<br>"I need you guys to come with me to…Louisiana."


	2. And so it starts

Louisiana was hot. It was also muggy. Taking a deep breath was like inhaling through a warm damp rag.  
>The first thing Lupin did was buy new clothes when they got down there; ones that were still stylish and fancy, but ones that were practical for the weather. Goemon didn't need to change, and Jigen already owned a seersucker suit, which was only the first sign of what was to come.<br>When they had first arrived, Jigen did nothing to tell them of why they had made the journey. They had just wandered around a small city that Lupin didn't catch the name of. Lupin had occupied himself by perfecting his different southern accents, and seeing how many residents he could fool. So far, he had been mistaken for being from Kentucky, Georgia, Texas and Louisiana itself. For some reason, this bothered Jigen, which made Lupin do it all the more.  
>"Lupin, will you stop that?"<br>"Stop what?" Lupin asked, this time in a perfect Alabaman accent.  
>"Stop messin' with the fine people of this city," Jigen replied, sounding a bit southern himself.<br>"They don't need people like you makin' fun of them."  
>Lupin gave him a look of irritation. "I'm not "makin' fun" of them," he said, still in the accent. "I'm practicing. I don't have anything better to do! You begged us for help, but instead we've been crawling around this stupid city for an eternity!"<br>"…Eternity…?"  
>"Don't start that again!" Lupin sighed. "Jigen, I'm not trying to get you mad. You're my friend. But tell me what is bothering you and why we had to come all the way down here, or so help me I'm taking the rest of my vacation and I'm going to play real life Dukes of Hazzard with Goemon."<br>"Goemon couldn't be either Duke, your plan would never work."  
>"I'm Luke and Bo! Goemon is Daisy."<br>"Don't I get a say in this?" Goemon asked.  
>"No."<p>

Jigen took them soon after to a historical mansion way out in the country. There were guided tours, which they joined. As the tour guide droned on and on a monotone perky voice, Jigen seemed to withdraw into himself more and more. Lupin and Goemon noticed, and soon they left the group and followed Jigen out into the back, where a replica of how the mansion and it's attached plantation would have looked like. Jigen found a quiet spot on the grounds and took out a cigarette.  
>"My family used to own this mansion," he started.<br>Lupin and Goemon were shocked.  
>"Really?"<br>Jigen nodded. "My family didn't just own it, they built it. That barn, that house…"  
>"Those slave quarters," Lupin put in.<br>"I didn't say they were prefect," He answered, annoyed. "But coming here, I just start thinking about my family. How my father dug that well over there," pointing to a hole in the ground, covered in weeds. "And how it nearly broke his back."  
>Lupin looked at the hole.<br>"Jigen, that thing has been here since the dawn of time, look at it. Your dad did not dig that well."  
>Jigen turned to the two of them, slowly raising his hat so he could look into their eyes.<br>"Lupin, Goemon. I was born in 1845."  
>Stunned was a weak word for that particular moment.<br>"Jigen, you…do you know how long ago that was?" Lupin laughed a little nervously, wondering how long ago his friend had lost it.  
>"It's one hundred and sixty-six years," Goemon supplied helpfully.<br>"Yes, thank you, Goemon."  
>Jigen continued looking at them. "I know it's unbelievable, but this is where I was born, 166 years ago. My father was a plantation owner and I was his heir. We had balls and I had the best education my family could afford. I had a good life."<br>"…Didn't the slaves bother you?" Lupin asked, deciding to take Jigen seriously for a few seconds.  
>"Back then, no. But I've changed. I said no one is perfect. I honestly didn't think back then. But they don't play a big part in my life. The war came when I was sixteen, and there was no power on Earth that could stop me from joining."<br>"And by "war" you mean…"  
>"The Civil War, as it's become known."<br>"Uh-huh."  
>"Well, y'all know how that ended up. By the end of the war, my family fortune had gone and my father had died in battle before me. My mother had remarried. I decided to seek my own fortune."<br>"And along the way you came across this magical spring of water that you drank from, and now you can never die?"  
>Jigen rolled his eyes. "Yes, my real name is Tuck and I fell in love with some stupid girl."<br>"Is Tuck your real name?" Lupin asked.  
>"No."<br>"Is Jigen?" Goemon this time.  
>"Jigen is my name now. What I was called back then doesn't really matter. No, I'm not dead because…I don't know why. At some point in my life, I just noticed that I stopped aging. I'm pretty sure a bullet or disease can still kill me, but I'm not getting any older."<br>Lupin and Goemon were silent. They let Jigen continue on with his story.  
>"Eventually, after I realized that I wouldn't be dying anytime soon, I decided to live my life doing whatever I wanted. What I most wanted to do was work with guns, so that's what I did. I studied under anyone who would take me, and I'd shoot anything and everything. Back then, gunmen had more job opportunities. I was both sheriff and outlaw at one time or another. I've probably fought in every battle you've ever heard of in America in some way or another. I was in both World Wars, Korea, Vietnam, the Gulf. I've been all over the world in various mercenary groups for different groups with different goals. And I've met more men and women than I can possibly remember."<p>

Lupin and Goemon starred for what seemed like hours.  
>"Actually, " Lupin started. "This makes a lot of sense. It would explain how all your old buddies are war buddies when we meet up with them during the movies, and why you have so many tragic pasts with women in general. So, yeah, I'll buy it."<br>Goemon was brooding. "Though it would explain how you know Popeye, I thought you were Mario."  
>"I'm not Mario. And Popeye is a cartoon."<br>Sparks of disbelief shot through Goemon's eyes. "No, I know you're Mario! And that you know Popeye! Intoxicated Gnu said so! She does not lie!"  
>"There must be better ways to get her to finish her stories than by mentioning them here, Goemon."<br>He sniffed. "I don't expect her to finish them, the lazy bum. I just wanted to make fun of her."  
>Lupin said, "That seems mean, to do it in a fanfic posted in public."<br>Goemon smiled, "That's how we roll."  
>Jigen shifted uncomfortably as the fourth wall was being mocked. "Can we get back on topic? I didn't come down here just to tell you guys I'm really old. I came down here to tell you I'm really old AND to ask for your help." He motioned towards the mansion.<br>"As I mentioned before, my family used to own this mansion and this land. But this land used to be the whole city. So, I feel attached to it. Well, I want to reclaim my birthright and get this city back!"  
>"…You want to steal a whole city?"<br>Jigen smiled. "I don't aim quite on stealin' it," he said, slipping into what seemed to now be his native tongue. "Ya see, I don't want to officially own it or anythin'. But the guy who runs this place now is using my family's old haunts and is claiming to be one of MY descendants to run this place. And I can't let that stand. I need you guys to help me bring him down. Will you help me?"  
>"Of course, Jigen! Won't we, Goemon?"<br>Goemon shook his head. "No! Why do these character development stories always end up being about Jigen? I want one! I'm more than just a samurai!"  
>"Goemon, Monkey Punch himself said you were just in the comic to give it a Japanese balance."<br>"But I've gownnnnnnnnn," he whined.  
>"Maybe you'll find some growth if you come along in the adventure, Goemon! If you just stay here and meditate, you'll be falling into your old pattern anyway."<br>Goemon finally nodded in agreement.  
>"Yahoo!" cried Jigen. "Now that I've got you guys, I know I'll be unstoppable. Let's get some fried chicken to celebrate!"<p>

And so, it starts.


	3. Tastes of Home

The bed and breakfast had a large wraparound porch, and hors d'oeuvres available before any meal. It was set in the oldest part of the town, and it had a cozy atmosphere.  
>Lupin wondered why they came there in the first place.<br>"Information is most important part of strategy ," Jigen told him, reading the expression on his face. "In my many years working in the military, the one with the best information has the advantage."  
>Lupin glanced around the B&amp;B again. "That makes sense, but what makes you think that the best info can be found here? You know as well as I that the people who hang out around here are honest people. They're not going to know anything about…about….what's this guy's name again?"<br>"Sam-Jack Bixby."  
>"…Really?"<br>Jigen gave Lupin a look. Jigen's looks usually had something to do with Fujiko, but this time around they usually meant, "Don't you dare say anything bad about the South".  
>"I meant, you really think we can get information on this Bixby guy?"<br>Jigen shrugged. "Maybe."  
>"Maybe? I thought you said information was the most important part of strategy!"<br>"The second most important thing is for an army to be well fed, which is why we're here. This place has the best gumbo in the country."  
>Goemon, who until this point had been sitting quietly at the table listening to them, now placed his hand on Lupin's shoulder to restrain his angry retort. "Just let it go, Lupin. Eating here isn't that big of a deal."<br>Lupin sat back down and nodded. Goemon was right. No need to get uptight. It was just that Jigen seemed to be acting weirder and weirder. Well, weirder than being several hundred years old , somehow.

He looked around the room again. Yes, he was home. These were his people. He hadn't thought he would ever come back, that he had left this life behind him. But the friendly people; the warm weather; the countryside teeming with life; the smell of the water and even all the bugs, they all beckoned to a long forgotten time in his past. A happier time. The chatting of the other diners made a pleasant backdrop for him to think about this place, this part of his life. The other two knew most of his past now, but not all of it. He wasn't sure how to tell it. But he felt now, with the vibrancy of the south around him, that he would be able to find the words.  
>But that was when fate stepped in for him.<br>The door had been opening all night; he wasn't sure why he looked up at the sound and toward the front at that particular time, but he did and he saw her. The old cliché about timing stopping isn't exactly true, but it is true that he didn't notice his companions anymore. He didn't notice how his food was getting cold, or what that couple behind him were arguing about anymore. He didn't notice the Lupin was clearly flirting with that fine southern belle at the next table and as a gentlemen he should help her out. He noticed none of these things for she was walking towards him. Just like when they first met, all that time ago…  
>She came up to him and gave a short curtsey. "I didn't think I'd be seein' you again."<br>Her "I" sounded like "Ah". She continued. "You said that I would be the first one you came to visit if you ever came back from…where was it?"  
>"Japan."<br>"That's right. You suddenly up and left me one day for that place. I don't know if I'm more angry with you right now or overjoyed to see you."  
>He gave her a sad smile. "I promised to see you if I was coming back for good, remember?"<br>Her eyes grew bright with tears. "You mean…?"  
>"I was planning on leaving after taking care of something I should have a long time ago," he said. "But after seein' you, maybe I will stay."<br>She sniffed and tossed her head away. "You can do whatever you like, Ransom."  
>His friends looked at him. "That's your real name?"<br>He ignored them. "Sally," he said pleadingly. "Look at me."  
>She slowly lowered her head again and looked into his eyes, where they locked.<br>"Oh, Ransom!"  
>He stood up and took her into his arms, and kissed her thoroughly. He wondered why he had ever left the south. But then—"<p>

Lupin punched Goemon in the arm. "Shut up. What are you doing?  
>Goemon was broken out of his monologue. "Proving that I could be the one with the southern back story! It doesn't have to be Jigen!"<br>Lupin sighed. "Goemon, please. Don't do this now. Why don't you find out some info on Bixby so we can get of this place faster?"  
>Goemon sulked. "Maybe I should leave you two and go on a real journey of enlightenment. I could open a flower shop at the end of my travels."<br>Lupin shuddered. "Don't do that. I have a feeling that flower shops and the Ishikawas don't mix."  
>"Just the Ishikawas?"<br>"Well, flower shops and assassins in general."  
>Jigen suddenly quieted them. "Stop—you see that guy over there? He's here with our gumbo!"<br>As Jigen fell to his bowl with gusto as Goemon and Lupin sighed, none of the three noticed the man the corner, watching intently. 


	4. Crossroads

After their meal break, Lupin decided it was up to him to take charge of whatever they were doing down in Louisiana. "I think it's be best," Lupin began. "If I started searching downtown for this Sam-Jack Whoever…"  
>"Bixby. Sam-Jack Bixby." Jigen supplied.<br>"Right. Sam-Jack Bixby."  
>"But, you'd better call him Sammy-Jack if you ask for him."<br>"Why, exactly?"  
>Jigen sighed. Lupin would never understand his homeland. "This is the SOUTH, Lupin. It's not Sam, it's Sammy. It's not Will, it's Billy. It's not Bud, it's Buddy. Okay?"<br>Lupin threw his hands up in defeat. "Alright, alright. I get it. Settle down, Ransom."  
>"I didn't say anything," Goemon said.<br>Lupin glared at him. "Moving on," he continued. "I think it is best if I search the downtown and while you and Goemon search the other side."  
>Jigen took off his (panama) hat and whapped Lupin upside the head.<br>"What was that, sir? Did you say that I take the boy?"  
>"I'm not a boy ," Goemon said.<br>"I can't take him anywhere!" Jigen ignored him.  
>"But he fits in better where you go for info," Lupin countered. "I'm going to nightclubs. He doesn't get in the way, but he doesn't help, either. He sits in the corner and pretends to understand English and he brings down the mood of everyone around him."<br>"I can speak English."  
>"You go to seedy bars," Lupin was also ignoring him. "It's okay to be quiet and stoic and half-illiterate there."<br>"I can read, too."  
>Lupin and Jigen continued to glare at each other, stuck in a stalemate until Lupin was hit with a sudden bright idea. He often found his best ideas came to him in connection with the promise of beautiful women and alcohol in the near future.<br>"Jigen, the truth is…How will Goemon ever learn about the glorious south if not through you? You experienced her firsthand. I could never help Goemon understand her struggles and beauty. You are the only one."  
>Jigen brushed some imaginary dirt off his white suit and tapped his wooden cane (that he didn't need) on Lupin's head.<br>"I do declare you have a point, Mr. Lupin."  
>Lupin attempted not to cringe at the name that only the most condescending of his enemies usually used.<br>Jigen grabbed Goemon by the arm. "Come along, boy. You might learn something."  
>Lupin watched them start off together before almost skipping to his own destination. He'd start off with a nightclub and see what or who he'd end up with come morning. He was planning on scoring in both senses.<p>

Goemon, meanwhile, was thinking of many slow and painful ways that he could exact his revenge on Lupin and Jigen after they finished this job. It turned out Jigen was taking this history of the south seriously, and had taken Goemon to every single old place he could think of and lectured him all the while. Goemon's occasional pleas to take a break, split up or gather information were all stopped even before they started.  
>"Jigen, I—"<br>"Now, listen, son. I say, listen and you might learn something."  
>"Jigen, we—"<br>"I say, boy, didn't your mother never teach you manners? You're a bright boy but you've got no common sense. Listen, I say—I say listen!"  
>Jigen was about to go on, when he heard some noises coming from an old house up the road. Quickly he ran ahead, and found a group of men singing old spirituals. Jigen pointed to them.<br>"This is who you should be emulating, boy."  
>"I have a name."<br>"These men know the glories of the Old South."  
>The leader of the men stopped singing and came up to Jigen. He put his hands on his shoulders and declared, "There is no Old South, friend. There is only The South."<br>Jigen and the man embraced in a manly sort of way, while Goemon was fairly sure that the strangers were mostly drunk.  
>"And what are you fine gentlemen doing here?" he asked.<br>The leader pointed to the house behind them, the one they had been sitting on the porch of.  
>"We're here to investigate the ol' Bixby house."<br>"Bixby? Jigen, that means—"  
>"Goemon, you're right," he interrupted. "You should join these men and I'll go on ahead. Time for you to learn some history first-hand."<br>Goemon wasn't going to suggest that at all, but he realized he could ditch three strangers easier than he could Jigen. Even insane, southern Jigen was still Jigen underneath it all. He watched as Jigen walked down the road and didn't notice the three men come up closer to him.  
>"You're...not from around here, are you?"<br>Goemon shook his head no. He didn't like these three, but maybe they knew something about the Sammy-Jack person.  
>The leader smiled. "Great, then you can help us out," he stuck out his hand. "The name is Zak, and this is Nick and Aaron. I aim to get along right nicely with yas."<br>The last sentence was a horrible mangling of the beautiful tongue of the south and Goemon was glad Jigen did not have to hear it. But with those words, despair entered into his mind. He was sure nothing good could come of these men.

* * *

><p>AN: Shorter than I'd like, but the next one will be a decent length.


	5. Close Encounters

"Jesss stan' raight here," Zak attempted to drawl reassuringly. "No harm'll come ta ya."  
>Goemon had a difficult time understanding English anyway (though not as much trouble as Lupin pretended he did), but he could tell from the tone and the strange equipment set up around him that something was wrong. Whatever Jigen wanted him to learn about the south was not going to be accomplished with these three men. They had kept him until nightfall, wandering around the old Bixby house until they finally ended up in a room upstairs.<br>"What are you doing?" Goemon asked carefully. He didn't want to excite them in any way.  
>Zak smiled, an action that did nothing to calm Goemon's nerves.<br>"We're tryin' ta round up a ghost!"  
>"...Round up?"<br>"Ya, know, capture a spirit!"  
>"…Spirit?" He was getting as bad as Jigen with repetition. But he couldn't help it.<br>"I guess y'all wouldn't know anythin' 'bout ghosts," Zak said, and patted him on the back.  
>"On the contrary, in my county, we believe that all things have spirits and—"<br>"So a ghost is a dead guy who's still here," Zak explained, ignoring Goemon and not even trying to explain the concept in any detail. "But folk don't believe that can happen, so we're tryin' ta prove it!"  
>He handed Goemon a strange box and showed him a place in the room that seemed to have been marked off.<br>"So, the lady who died here, it's been reported that she killed her husband in his sleep, and after that she'd play house with whatever slave met her fancy."  
>Goemon understood the gist of the story, though not the actual words. What it actually sounded like was, "Suh da laaayday huu dye-ed heeeyah, it's been reeeported thayut she keeled her huz-baynd in hiiis sleep, and ayafter thayut sheee'd play houwse with what-eayavah slave met her fayncy."<br>Zak's accent had only gotten worse as the night wore on, and Goemon still thought they were all drunk, though he hadn't seen them drink anything other than water the entire time. Jigen drank quite a lot, but he wasn't a rowdy drunk or a friendly drunk (like Lupin), he just got quieter and quieter and didn't want anyone to touch him. But this insanity…he didn't know how to deal with it.  
>Goemon's eyes went to Nick for more information. Nick didn't keep the fake accent.<br>"You're gonna help us attract her. Betsy was her name. She liked young guys."  
>Goemon thought he might have felt better if he hadn't been able to understand anything, after all.<p>

They waited for about two hours, Goemon standing in the room with a box that recorded sounds with an acronym that he didn't remember. He could hear Zak, Nick and Aaron wondering around. A small camera on a tripod had been left recording him, and he was just about to make a break for it when something started beeping around him. There was suddenly a huge clomping sound coming up the stairs and Zak burst into the room.  
>"We've got a hit! Betsy, come to papa!"<br>He stopped in front of Goemon, breathing heavily. "Can you feel anything? Do you hear anything?"  
>Goemon said nothing, but involuntarily shuddered being so close to Zak. Zak took that as a sign of confirmation. He shoved Goemon out of the way and grabbed the box from him.<br>"I'm all yours, mah girl, take me!"  
>Goemon quietly sliced his way out of the house and never looked back.<p>

* * *

><p>Goemon met up with Lupin back at the Bed and Breakfast. The first thing he was asked was,<br>"Where's Jigen?"  
>Goemon shook his head. "He left me with some drunks to learn about the south."<br>Lupin nodded, as if this were normal Jigen behavior. "Yep, sounds about right."  
>"No, it's not right, Lupin. Something is wrong with Jigen, he doesn't abandon his friends to be molested by ghosts!"<br>"You were molested by a ghost?" Lupin asked, sounding just a tad too interested.  
>"No. Forget about it. What have you found out?"<br>"That you're a stick in the mud," Lupin pouted.  
>Goemon gave Lupin one of his patented (not really) stares that meant business.<br>"Oh, all right," he sighed. "but only if you bet that this story gets finished before either of Intoxicated Gnu's newer revamped stories about Popeye and Mario."  
>"Lupin, we've done that joke already, first of all. Secondly, it's been years since chapter four. We don't really have the higher ground."<br>Lupin rolled his eyes and continued, "Well, the way Mr. Bixby seems to be keeping this town under his thumb is he stole all the secret recipes for fried chicken around here and he keeps them under lock and key. He only allows a few, select chefs to make the chicken. If he suspects they've begun to memorize it, he kills them."  
>"…Chicken is that big a deal down here?"<br>Goemon was whacked on the head with a cane.  
>"A big deal?! It's the biggest deal since the War of Northern Aggression!" shouted Jigen in his ear, now completely dressed in white and chomping on a huge cigar. "Boy, I say listen boy—you don't know anythin' 'bout anythin' if you don't know 'bout chicken! Why, a man's chicken recipe is more important than his moonshine. If you, I say if you think that isn't so, then I shall have to demand satisfaction."<br>Brandishing two old antique dueling pistols, Jigen looked more ridiculous than scary. But his two friends knew he was deadly even with such primitive equipment, so they quickly told him of their undying love of chicken.  
>"If KFC was a girl, I'd choose her over Fujiko in a heartbeat!"<br>Jigen nodded.  
>"I have found the consumption of chicken to be pleasant."<br>That didn't go over as well.  
>"ONLY 'pleasant', son?" he growled, with a hint of menace.<br>"Um, chicken is delicious. And I was born in a Roscoe's Chicken and Waffle House, so it will always be a sacred place in my heart."  
>This placated the ageless one and they were able to continue.<br>"Mr. Lupin, were you able—I say, were you able to find the location of that there hideout?"  
>Lupin grinned.<br>"You know I don't do thing by halves. I picked up a copy of the property lines from the courthouse. I've thought of a few plans already, but let's talk over a late supper, shall we?"

After they had settled on a plan, Lupin and Goemon had wanted desert. Jigen had excused himself for a brandy and a cigar on the verandah, and it wasn't until they had each finished their pie that they realized he was gone, and he had taken the plans with him.


	6. Homecoming

They stood outside on the verandah, at the space Jigen had occupied before they had gone in for dessert. Now it was empty, his glass empty and a finished cigar lying in the ashtray. Goemon grabbed Lupin by the sleeve, "What are we waiting for? He must have gone to get revenge by himself! We have to help him."  
>Lupin brushed Goemon's hands away.<br>"Don't get excited, we don't have to worry about anything happening any time soon."  
>"Lupin, while normally I agree Jigen is a cautious man, this is a matter of his family's pride. I think his behavior up until now has shown us he's not the usual Jigen."<br>"Goemon, you have a lot to learn about the south," Lupin smiled.  
>He shook his head no and sighed. He knew Lupin had already memorized the plans and location of the building; it was just his way. But he wasn't worried about Jigen and instead wanted to annoy him with pointless questions.<br>"What if I told you that tomorrow was Sunday?"  
>Goemon chose to respond with his Samurai Stone Glare; which told Lupin he was above this conversation and everyone else. It annoyed Lupin to no end and it gave him pleasure to occasionally be just as much as of a pain as Lupin was.<br>Lupin put his hand on Goemon's shoulders.  
>"Sunday down south is a big deal; most of the town is going to be in church for the morning. In the afternoon, they come home and eat a little and then get ready for the big Sunday family dinner. That's when people will need their family chicken recipes, so that's when Mr. Bixby is going to be at his safe house supervising."<br>"And you've not telling me all this just because you want to pick up more girls, right?"  
>"Of course not," Lupin only lied a little bit. Nothing would happen until later and he wanted to pick up girls, but he knew Goemon would never understand this multifaceted way of thinking. Being raised European, and more to the point French, Lupin's inherent sophistication was miles beyond both Goemon and Jigen in matters of style, taste, wines, food and trysts. And also priorities. It was always either this or that with them. He had come from a culture that had evolved beyond that and said, "Why not both?" Of course, his culture had also beheaded its own king and queen before spiraling into a bloodbath that killed itself, and that was a shame. Lupin moved on from past mistakes and if Marie Antoinette was right here, he'd take her out just to be fair.<br>Goemon, meanwhile, had noticed Lupin had gone into one of his reveries in which he was think about his Frenchy superiority and had left him alone outside, while he went back to the room to meditate on the past day to see if he could learn any lesson from it. Aside from, "Never trust a man named Zak", he had nothing. So he went to sleep.

* * *

><p>The sun was just beginning to set when they both felt the wind change; they knew Jigen would make his move. Only they felt it. They had been waiting since noontime, observing the guards coming and going as they escorted the selected chefs to the recipes and back out. But that all changed when the first explosion went off.<br>It wasn't near any one, but it was close enough to the house that everyone knew it was a declaration of war. Lupin and Goemon searched the area for Jigen, but they couldn't see him. Some chefs ran into the house as quickly as they could; some dove into ditches; some just ran far away and left town.  
>Bixby's men quickly gathered in the house and attempted to counter attack, which they found next to impossible. The explosions were coming from every which way, they couldn't figure out the point of origin. They began to fire wildly around the grounds; Lupin and Goemon had to start moving around and ducking for cover. This only caused more commotion as the guards thought that <em>they <em>were the one responsible.  
>"This isn't like Jigen," Lupin muttered.<br>Goemon nodded. Jigen would have known that they would have followed him and he wouldn't use them as a distraction. Not only that, but explosions weren't controlled. The most amazing thing about Jigen was how he was able to choose a target and drop them before they knew it. These bombs that he was using were both random and slow. He had only hit a few guards so far, and they could have easily been the innocent victims of Bixby.  
>"Jigen! Stop!" Lupin and Goemon called. Something was wrong with this situation, and they needed to stop it.<br>Just then, a large man in a pork-pie hat walked out of the house a pointed a double barreled shotgun in their general direction.  
>"Listen up, Mr. Jigen," shouted a man who could only be Sam-Jack Bixby. "If you don't come out now, I'm afraid your friends are gonna have a few more holes in their hide. Y'all been doing well dodging so far, but it's mighty hard to dodge buckshot, gentlemen."<br>Lupin looked at Goemon hopefully, but he shook his head. No matter what his skill, he wouldn't be able to protect them both from injury. It would spread too far and too fast.  
>"Jigen!" Lupin called. If he only knew where he was; they could figure out a plan just by body language. Bixby didn't know that his end would be near once Jigen made his appearance.<br>Jigen didn't know either, apparently, because the only answer that came was another bomb-one with a more power and a shorter fuse. Bixby; the remaining guards; Lupin and Goemon were all thrown by it. Half the house went up in flames and bits of it rained down upon them all, making clunking sounds as it hit bodies and other surrounding trees.

Lupin woke up to a sound that he couldn't place it his disoriented state. It kept swirling around him and struck him as something wrong. He looked for Goemon, ignoring his own cuts, and found him with a bleeding head wound and his clothes ripped up. Lupin looked around and saw Bixby was also just knocked out; there were very few fatalities from the explosion. Another wrong note in the whole scheme. Goemon stirred and looked around in comfusion.  
>"Are you…laughing?"<br>And that's when it hit Lupin. He looked up at the roof of the building, to see Jigen walking along it and _laughing _like a stupid maniac with a southern drawl. Laughing at the fact he had nearly killed both he and Goemon and Bixby wasn't even dead; Jigen had done nothing but destroy property and act like a jerk.  
>"Jigen! You stupid <em>sucette<em>," Lupin yelled, reverting to his native tongue. "You nearly killed us!"  
>Jigen only laughed louder, "I was just saving time! Don't you think you deserve to die?"<br>"What?"  
>"You've eaten it, haven't you?"<br>"Eaten what, you crazy _reglisse_?!"  
>"Chicken!" and the cackling laughter started once again, and Lupin and Jigen would have remained standing there until kingdom come if not for a chance gust of wind which blew away Jigen's hat.<br>_And they realized that it wasn't Jigen at all.  
><em>

"I…I can't believe this…" Goemon whispered in horror. "All this time…!"  
>"Chicken Boo!" Lupin hissed.<br>Chicken Boo crowed, not even trying to hide his true nature anymore, "It took y'all long enough to figure it out! Y'all kept tyin', but y'all kept missin'."  
>(For those of you who do not know, Chicken Boo is the name of the giant, silent chicken who would appear in The Animaniacs and impersonate humans, before being discovered as a chicken when his disguise was umasked).<br>"Since when did you speak?" Lupin asked.  
>Another clucking laugh. "My cousin, I say my Foghorn helped me with that!"<br>"That would explain the accent," Gomeon mused.  
>"But—but why? And the crazy story…And what have you done with the real Jigen?!" Lupin yelled.<br>"I will punish everyone who dares to eat my brethren!" Chicken Boo yelled. "And for the purpose, I decided to enlist the help of the most resourceful men in the world. It was easy, I knew that if you could accept that your friend was a giant chicken, then you'd believe anything."  
>Goemon and Lupin said nothing, embarrassed they had been so easily fooled. They didn't even know when the switch had happened.<br>"After that, it was child's play manipulating you into finding Bixby and planning my revenge."  
>"You heartless chicken! Tell us where Jigen is!"<br>"Oh, you'll be joining him soon," Chicken Boo started. "Right after I—"  
>But then there was a loud BANG! And with a slump, Chicken Boo was dead. Lupin and Goemon turned around.<br>"Jigen!"  
>He shouldered his rifle and walked over to the two of them.<br>"Jigen, you're alive!"  
>He rolled his eyes. "You guys are two of the stupidest people I know."<br>"How did you know where to find us?"  
>"Zenigata put out a call to be on the lookout for you and Goemon and a giant chicken."<br>"…Really?"  
>Jigen looked over to the dead carcass of Chicken Boo and then back to his friends.<br>"Guys. Seriously. Am I that replaceable? Zenigata can notice before you? And you actually talked to the stupid thing."  
>They stood awhile in awkward silence, neither knowing how to apologize for not realizing a six-foot tall chicken in a fedora wasn't actually him-though, truth be told, the resemblance was uncanny.<br>"I'm not even going to ask what kind of story he told you guys to come out here. Just get in the van."  
>They started walking over to a large van with faded, rainbow colors and some kind of writing.<br>"Where were all this time?" Lupin asked.  
>"I told you, I was going to Chicago for a reunion," Jigen said defensively.<br>As they drew near, a man with long orange hair stuck his head out the front window.  
>"These your friends, Doctor? You ready to go?"<br>Lupin and Goemon got close enough to read the side of the van:  
>"Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem".<br>They looked at each other, and then at Jigen, who only glared at them before going around to the side to get in the driver's seat. Lupin and Goemon got into the back and never asked about Jigen's past ever again.

Because there are some secrets you're better off never knowing.


End file.
